Telling your children that you and your spouse have decided to separate or divorce is difficult on everyone – not just the grownups, but the children too. How you tell your children about the impending divorce will set the stage and the tone of all divorce related procedures to follow. So, when and how do you break the news to them in a way that will not cause them emotional harm?
Many times when a couple divorces, their kids have emotional troubles adjusting to the new reality. And, surprisingly, usually the problem isn’t the divorce or separation itself. The problem can typically be traced back to how the separation was handled. Above all else, the separation should be handled with the children’s interest firmly in mind. The children have to be prepared for the separation about to take place. It can’t be just sprung on them as a surprise or afterthought.
First of all, the decision should be made jointly by the married couple. Before you talk to your children, talk with your spouse and together decide when and how the kids should be told. If you have been seeing a marriage counselor, seek his or her advice on how best to break the news. As best you can, decide, beforehand, on how you will answer the obvious questions that are sure to arise.
Once you begin to break the news to the children, don’t stop until all of their questions have been answered. Even, if you have to talk far into the night. Even if, the next day, the kids have to miss school or you have to miss all or part of work – don’t leave them hanging with unanswered questions. Because if you do, their imagination will fill in the blanks for the questions that you didn’t answer. And a child’s imagination can conjure up all sorts of frightening and disturbing rationalities for why one of the parents is leaving. Is dad leaving because of me? Is mom leaving too? Will I ever see dad again? What did I do to cause this and what will happen to me?
A corollary to answering all of your children’s questions is to not tell them too much. Children have a limited amount of life experience and, depending on their age, their minds and emotions are not equipped to handle the more adult reasons why the two parents are separating. If an affair is the reason for the breakup, a young child doesn’t have to know that. A 3 year old kid has no concept of what an affair is. The same goes for something like emotional abuse which even some adults have a poor understanding of. This doesn’t mean that you ignore their questions. It means that you answer them to the best of your ability taking into account their limited maturity in being able to completely understand what is going on.
The most important thing in all of this is to make it 100% sure in their minds that no one is abandoning them. Make it clear that even the parent that is leaving is still going to be very much in their lives.
Remember, even though it is not the children’s fault that the marriage is breaking up, they are the ones that are going to be left feeling rejected, angry, and confused when a parent leaves. It’s up to the parent to somehow replace the former marriage stability with an equally strong stable relationship during the separation. And the first act of building this new and stable relations begins with how your tell them that the marriage is breaking up.
About the Author
David Walker is webmaster and owner of http://www.onlinedivorcetips.com. Please visit his site for articles on free divorce papers and documents and other divorce related topics.
