The very hottest time in a break up is when it is first announced. Regardless of who says, “I’m done.” This is when the most violence can occur. Especially if the other person has decided they don’t want to split. Be very careful. The news reports of people in the midst of a split and people dying from gun shots, or stabbings. I wonder how did I navigate this and get a better result? I think the main thing was trying to see both sides. The main thing I did was be calm when talking to my ex as well as the following tips.
1. When possible, meet in a neutral location. This will help keep emotions from running high.
2. List out negotiation items. Know what is on the table. If it isn’t in the court order, you may have a problem getting what you want.
3. Prioritize items on list. If you know what is most important you can let go of the ones most important to your ex, if they aren’t as important to you.
4. Be flexible with the items that are important to you. As our divorce dragged on, I got mad and changed the paperwork from joint custody to sole. I didn’t gain anything, this change just prolonged the proceedings.
5. Don’t start another relationship until this one is closed. If you have started one, keep the information to a minimum . Nobody wants to know they are being left for someone else.
6. If you require moral support, bring a neutral, same sex person. This is especially true for women. If you do not feel safe talking to your ex, bringing another man can get the competition ramped up. He may feel threatened and that’s not what you want. But another woman can help you feel safe and minimize the threat your ex feels. Even if you bring a male friend, your ex may make some assumptions that heat up the discussions.
7. Get a court mediator – if you absolutely cannot talk to the other person face to face, this is alternative. However, the courts are set up to come up with x,y,z solution and if your needs are different, you may find you have gotten the x,y,z solution. The courts are trying to be non-biased and fair to all parties and they may not look at some of the same issues in the same way you do. If they are concerned with both parents seeing the child and both parents supporting the child…There may be some technicality that precludes them from being able to do as much as you would like.
8. Resist the temptation to place blame. If the relationship is over, it’s over. Hashing over who did what to whom isn’t going to change anything. The sooner you get past this part, the sooner you can move forward with your life.
9. Don’t discuss details with your child. Do bring up what is going on. Your child is going through the break up as well. AND has no control or say in it.
10. Ask your child what he or she is thinking. You may need to be reassuring that your child is not at fault.
About the Author
Laura C. Ries
Single Parent Purpose
This article is excerpted from the book “I’m a New Single Mom, NOW What?”
Sign up for the Good, Bad and Ugly of Single Parenting E-zine
